Marks my birthday & this year, I am officially 30. I crossed over to the middle aged adult category, no longer considered “young adult” & with added responsibilities that I didn’t ask for. Single. No kids. Working on a career path that seems to hit dead ends at times and not without friends or family, but not yet feeling like I’ve made the connections I have prayed about. Year after year, I have put off many things because I was young and had plenty of time — there was never a rush order on needs, wants, goals BUT since hitting 30; I feel like I haven’t done anything I have put off and have only continued to use excuses to not do it. Why? part of me feels like this is the age I should have everything figured out, and there shouldn’t be a question as to what I do, who I am, where I want to be… it was mapped out in college, brought to life in the early 20’s, remapped in the middle 20s and I should have been steadily moving up this “societal ladder” that brings me great achievements. Not me, no, instead I got caught up in waiting, avoiding, and ignoring all the things that would now be considered important for my future, and instead I woke up realizing that not only am I 30, but I am 30 and not happy — not quite anyways.
People tell me there is still time to do whatever I aim for, there is still time to be who I want to be and that everyone blossoms at different rates (this is true) but I can’t help but think about all the mistakes and wrong paths I took that led me to this dead zone, this internal black abyss where I feel lost and insecure with my future; where my present doesn’t add value to my life, and where my past is to blame but I can’t fix what has happened then, so I have to find a means to make things worthwhile now. It is all confusing when you hit 30, it is like I am taking more steps backwards than I am forward and I feel myself cringing at the thought that a whole year went by and nothing has changed besides my hormones and my tolerance level — LOL seriously.
I suppose I am blessed to have made it to 30. Thankful, yes, because I am alive and in relatively good health. I am with food, water, shelter, transportation and most of my needs met. I have been lucky enough to have most of my wants & having a job that helps provide so that I don’t go without. Yes, I am thankful, for that I am very thankful.
I don’t want to call this a “midlife crisis” because I don’t believe this is what I am going through (yet). I am reflecting on my life. I have lived deflecting for so long…