Marks my birthday & this year, I am officially 30. I crossed over to the middle aged adult category, no longer considered “young adult” & with added responsibilities that I didn’t ask for. Single. No kids. Working on a career path that seems to hit dead ends at times and not without friends or family, but not yet feeling like I’ve made the connections I have prayed about. Year after year, I have put off many things because I was young and had plenty of time — there was never a rush order on needs, wants, goals BUT since hitting 30; I feel like I haven’t done anything I have put off and have only continued to use excuses to not do it. Why? part of me feels like this is the age I should have everything figured out, and there shouldn’t be a question as to what I do, who I am, where I want to be… it was mapped out in college, brought to life in the early 20’s, remapped in the middle 20s and I should have been steadily moving up this “societal ladder” that brings me great achievements. Not me, no, instead I got caught up in waiting, avoiding, and ignoring all the things that would now be considered important for my future, and instead I woke up realizing that not only am I 30, but I am 30 and not happy — not quite anyways.
People tell me there is still time to do whatever I aim for, there is still time to be who I want to be and that everyone blossoms at different rates (this is true) but I can’t help but think about all the mistakes and wrong paths I took that led me to this dead zone, this internal black abyss where I feel lost and insecure with my future; where my present doesn’t add value to my life, and where my past is to blame but I can’t fix what has happened then, so I have to find a means to make things worthwhile now. It is all confusing when you hit 30, it is like I am taking more steps backwards than I am forward and I feel myself cringing at the thought that a whole year went by and nothing has changed besides my hormones and my tolerance level — LOL seriously.
I suppose I am blessed to have made it to 30. Thankful, yes, because I am alive and in relatively good health. I am with food, water, shelter, transportation and most of my needs met. I have been lucky enough to have most of my wants & having a job that helps provide so that I don’t go without. Yes, I am thankful, for that I am very thankful.
I don’t want to call this a “midlife crisis” because I don’t believe this is what I am going through (yet). I am reflecting on my life. I have lived deflecting for so long…
3 thoughts on “30.. never felt so weird”
I have to tell you this… 30 is not middle aged, most sources will tell you that middle age is considered from 40-60.
It feels weird, because every new decade but really, honestly the only thing that is different is the number. There is no hard and fast rule that says where you have to be in what stage of life at any particular age, speaking as a person who changed career at 25, 27ish 32ish and 35 and am now in the same career at 45 do not ever think there is not enough time to change if you are not happy with where you are. I am certainly not ruling out changing it again 😀
I know there are lots of factors at play, but you can take a new step towards a new future at any time, and it doesn’t matter if it is a teeny step, you have time!
(I mean none of us know what actual time we have, but in theory there is time)
I know it is far easier to say don’t dwell on the past, than it is to actually do it, so I would say, accept the past as full of things that were necessary at the time and look into a future where anything is possible (more or less… I mean I suspect you can’t fly unaided or leap tall buildings in a single bound, but you know what I mean.
Ok… sorry for waffling on your blog, I was aiming for reassuring but may have just come across as odd…
Haha, no need to apologize. I love the comments you share! sometimes I know these things, but have someone reassure is not so bad, when necessary because I am usually the one doing it for others! LOL in my line of work. I guess that was my FIRST thoughts for the public coming into 30, but weeks after the initial post I realized exactly what you said before I had the chance to read your comment. I need to set my notifications on, because for some reason I didn;t know anyone had left a comment on this particular post. Crazy sauce but anywho, I appreciate this much! thank you! happy Friday!
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oh, and happy birthday 😀