Crying in a pool full of tears

It’s scary to think it was just a month ago, I had found someone who made me feel alive and wanted for the first time in a long time.  It will be almost two months and I never thought for a second I would be at this point in the relationship where I am faking a smile, burying my head in pillows, and feeling less than my best on a constant basis. See, my partner and I click well, we have this ultimate relationship, this firework, this bolt of lightening that can grasp the attention of others. Nothing in a relationship is perfect, hell we live 4 hours away from one another and make it work because we care about each other and enjoy seeing one another. I got lucky with this one, blessed with this one, not letting go of this one, can’t get them off my mind kind of person and yet you are wondering why I am “drowning in a pool of tears”? My partner just figured out that they may have PTSD from their past relationship (they were in a mentally abusive relationship prior to dating me) and they didn’t realize how it would effect them now in this relationship, but they mentioned their tolerance would be low and they would be in “moods”, “not knowing what they want”, and random “sadness, annoyed, frustrated” etc. My ex had PTSD as well, and I was able to handle it for the most part, but everyone is different, nothing is the same for everyone, I even have a friend with PTSD and she was able to help me understand it in such a way that made sense. Now, my partner did her research (not see a specialist) and figures it would have to be the answer, but it could be a multitude of things, but nonetheless, I trust them. I decided to do my own research of it to refresh my mind and it can be difficult for relationships, friendships, life, etc, but I decided I could stick through this, because I care about them very much.  I let them know they could count of me for support and I would stay by their side no matter how bad it gets, and I continue to make that promise, because I refuse to give up on them.  

Normally, I am not the type to blast everything over the internet about my business, but sometimes I need to vent and instead of talking to someone one-on-one, I blog about it or write about it, not for the advice or help, but in hopes it releases the pressure from my brain and others can relate to my story.  My partner asked me for a break, space and told me to calm down.. as if they knew I would panic (which I would have, if I had not been sick at the time), I felt weak, I felt at fault, I felt like I lost a bestfriend/my babe/my reason to smile most days. I reassure them that it was fine and that I understood, and would give them the space they needed, in hopes it would be helpful because I am not sure what they are going through or how they feel, but I imagine it had to be bad if it came down to this. Every relationship needs its space, needs its bumps and obstacles, some go through more than others. I decided to suck it up and be STRONG, suck up my tears and focus on my week ahead, suck it up and smile, suck it up and push through this because I have to, I have to know that this is temporary because I refuse to be negative. I had been doing good, getting good news from editors, and I tried to put my best face on to avoid questions, to avoid embaressment, to get by at work, I thought no one could see through my smile and recognize my worry, my tears from the previous night, the sad songs streaming through my mind and the lack of interest in conversation, but people seen, people asked, people shared their advice and people listened & didn’t laugh, it all helped but it didn’t mend. 

Friday will be a week since talking to my partner, I miss the good morning text, the goodnight calls, the counting down to see each other, the “have a good day at work”, I miss texting you telling you how beautiful you are, I miss giving you all my attention, I miss the quick good byes; talk to you after work kind of days, holding you close to me, being told “I am the only one you want”, having you as my go to when everything seemed upside down in my life, your advice. I realize we have bickered, but nothing worth being upset about for more than 5 minutes, I know you need this space babe, so I want to give it to you, I am not leaving your side and I am going to patiently await your return because I don’t give up, and because I miss you like crazy but I am strong, I am trying, I am here for you when you are ready.  This wasn’t meant to be easy, our relationship wasn’t meant to be perfect and I will continue to make mistakes and learn from them, but don’t you forget I am here, I am here. 

We had planned on me coming down Oct. 2nd, I have been praying and staying positive in hopes I will hear from them before then. “The strongest people are the ones who have been hurt and still manage to get up” -Shay-lon Moss

Yours Truly,

Shay-lon xoxo