Yesterday — I didn’t expect to get the text message I received and to be honest, I didn’t expect to not care either. To be fair, I have had many times where I cared too much about something and needed answers but I am learning that sometimes answers carry weight & I don’t need any more weight on my back or anymore luggage to carry around with me. I received a text message from someone I used to talk to, we weren’t in a committed relationship at any point in time, but we had started talking sometime in February and I was left to pick up what was left of me at the end of August of this year. She really enjoyed me and while she wasn’t my type initially, I gradually started to enjoy spending time with her as well. She started “falling in love” with me over this course of time and while I had love for her , I didn’t fall in love with her, and so I was upfront about wanting to stay friends for while longer until I sorted out my feelings and felt that I was ready for something more serious. I started talking to another person, because I liked having options and getting to know other people, and I figured by explaining this to her and allowing her to do the same, it was only fair & would put less pressure on us eventually dating. Over a period of time, she started replaying her thoughts and emotions, hoping that we would at some point be on the same page & end up together but I kept things stalled. If we fast forward some months, we ended up fighting over dumb shit, things that didn’t matter whatsoever but were small and avoidable but because I think we were spending so much time together, maybe it was a sign we were growing sick of one another — I don’t know. We had made plans on a Friday & she lived a hour and some odd minutes away, so I figured we would meet up at her house, get a nap in and talk and start in on the plans — BOY WAS I WRONG. We did get a nap in, but the talking part was only pain and anger mixed in one bottle & I was left crying and enraged and she was emotionless & content with her decision of “asking me to leave” — I eventually left after having tried to talk to her, but she didn’t want to hear anything I had to say, all she could conjure up, was needing time to herself for a while & I respected that but I didn’t understand her reasoning for having me drive all the way there to be told this bad news in the first place. It was her way of telling me to my face — which I value but I guess, I never seen the signs coming of this horrible day to come.
I remember leaving her house and looking at her one LAST time before driving away, and my tears were hardly dried up and I looked exhausted. If nobody knew any better, it had looked like I was mourning a loss, and to be honest I was, I was mourning a loss in friendship with someone I had grown to know. I gave it a week or so before I messaged her, all the while I was falling apart and feeling useless, I just felt the world stop before me. She had ignored all my messages until she finally answered letting me know, she was hoping to “ghost me” but she felt bad about it and decided to give me a response and basically left it with “I just want to be single for a while, and I don’t want to talk about this anymore” — all I could think of was: 1) we were never dating, 2) I was completely okay with her being single & 3) where the fuck did all this come from in the first place. I did tell her those three things, but she refused to answer any questions and I asked her about our friendship, like how does this effect our friendship & she basically decided against being friends as well (without saying so) —————— this leaves me to my point as of what happened yesterday..
Yesterday she sent me a text apologizing for how she left things with me, admitting the immaturity and how wrong she was and told me she had her reasons for doing what she did, and if I was interested, she would be open in letting me know & and had hoped I was doing well. The first thing that came through my mind, is why? why do you all of a sudden give a care about giving me some type of reasoning for your choice in how you handled things, how come this all of sudden bothered you enough to text me. Personally, I think guilt weighed on her mind, and at that very moment, I didn’t care enough to respond & still don’t. I figure there is no reason to, I had to move on & restart my routine and I had to learn to do that without closure or understanding, so I don’t need her reasoning or closure to continue my life; what was done, is done & while I appreciate the apology, I don’t plan on living my life chasing after reasons to only rehash the past.
Sometimes things are best unanswered.